Passing Away

In God we trust. It is what it is. Everything happens for a reason.

Believe what you will. There is only one certainty in this life and that certainty is death. This morning Nov. 17th, 2010 at 5:17am, the grim reaper came and took my Uncle Harvey. His 2-year courageous battle with renal cancer came to quiet end.

He struggled through experimental treatments, surgeries, weight loss and gain, taste changes, loss of feeling and movement in his arms, and finally the inability to speak. It is horrible to say such words, but I know his passing is a blessing, so he and his family need not suffer anymore.

Rest in Peace my uncle, brother, and my friend.

Gobble, Gobble

With my favorite holiday only a week away, I enter into this joyous, family, and friendly oriented time of year with a heavy heart and mind. Besides, my son’s 4th birthday in just 6 days, I am laden with questions, concerns, and deep thought.

I believe in the rule of 3. Things happen in 3’s. If you do on to someone, it will come back to threefold. Already this month, the son of my mom’s friend passed away from cancer. Just yesterday, she found out a member of her book club passed away from cancer. And my uncle is currently dying of renal cancer. Hospice comes in daily to clean him, move him, medicate him, and whatever else is necessary at the time. He can’t move on his own and has all but lost the ability to speak. Three losses…one month…all cancer.

I ventured into the world of Reiki and found energy within me I didn’t know existed. However without warning, my Reiki Master was released from her position on Friday afternoon. I will remain her student and patient outside of the office walls, but am bothered by this decision as the office nor her patients were notified or could have predicted this coming.

Friday morning I close one chapter and attempt to move on with my live. At 8:30am at Salem Probate court, I will walk into a divorce hearing to take the final steps into a year and half long separation. As we say in my religion, this is a mitzvah (blessing). There is no denying divorce is the best option for my eventual ex-wife and myself, but I know we both made mistakes and it never had to come to this. I hope only for Gabriel‘s benefit, that our relationship stay amicable so his best interests are never compromised.

Seeing this is a blog about my health, I might as well throw in something. I joined a gym. Yay!!! The more amazing aspect is, I’ve used it. 3 visits in 2 weeks. My knee feels worse if not better and my weight is going up not down. (this could be due to the reduction in Lasix, which is causing more adema to swell in my arms and legs.) I’ll know more about the increasing kidney functions, the removal and replacement of my IV port-a-cath, and eventual total knee replacement in the following months to come.

I’d like to wish my friend, Sarah, a Happy Birthday. Her mother, like I, is a Mantle Cell Lymphoma stem cell transplant survivor. I also want to wish my son, Gabriel, my motivation in life a happy 4th birthday. Chuck e’ Cheese will never be the same, nor will my house. I purchased him a starter drum kit. I know, I know….what was I thinking. Gabriel, Daddy loves you.

And in closing, I want to congratulate my brother. He is being honored Thursday morning at Barnes-Jewish hospital in St. Louis. He is 1 of 10 recipients for an award, which is only given to employees who are nominated by their peers. Barnes employs over 9000 workers. Do math. It is quite the honor and I couldn’t be more proud. I only regret my inability to share the moment with him in person.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Be safe!

~Cheers

Happy Halloween - Don't Fear the Inevitable

Allow me to indulge myself and then proceed to another topic. As my 2nd birthday passed by, I can’t help but see how far I’ve come and yet how far I still need to go. Some conditions get better. Some stay the same. Some get worse. Some are just starting.

The lymphoma is in complete remission. My blood work looks stable aside from some heightened kidney functions and low platelets. Although, my legs are strengthening the knee joint itself continues to weaken and get worse. It will require a total knee replacement at some point in time. Lastly, the IV port (placed on May 14, 2008) is finally failing and needs to be replaced. This will require a minor surgery to remove and insert a new port. For the average patient, a ½ inch incision is a 2-3 week healing process. For me, it is a 2-3 month healing process, with a high risk of infection.

In better news, Wednesday Nov 3rd I will take my Reiki 1 attunement. I’ve been receiving Reiki healing for several months and am now ready to start practicing myself. November will be busy. Besides Thanksgiving being my favorite holiday, my divorce hearing is finally scheduled for Nov 19th and my baby boy’s 4th birthday is Nov 21st. Things happen in threes. These will be three events to celebrate. Thanksgiving is just a great bonus!

Yesterday, hospice was called in to attend to my uncle. Uncle Harvey (my father’s only brother) has been fighting renal cancer for close to 2 years now. Unfortunately, it looks like the fight is coming to an end. There is nothing I can do to stop the inevitable and after seeing him a few months back, I can’t bring myself to see him again under these conditions.

Some may call me a coward or weak. I understand the need to be surrounded my loved ones in a time of need but it hits too close to home for me to be with him now. It sounds horrible but I’ve made my peace. I can’t witness him now, without visioning myself in his place. My father understands my feelings and I hope the rest of my family does as well.

When my uncle moves on, it will not be easy for me. As the appointed Chaplain of my lodge, I will be required to do ritual work at the funeral ceremony. I am hoping to find the strength for my uncle, my lodge, my family, and myself to fulfill this obligation. My uncle enjoyed Masonry and wished he could have been more involved. I know he was proud to hear of my raising and appointment as Lodge Chaplain. If only in death, I hope to honor our brotherhood as Masons at his funeral, so he can see me one last time in full tuxedo, apron, and jewel of my profession.

To all those, who sent prayers and gave their well wishes to my uncle, I thank you. Only one person knows how long we have in this life. We just need to make the most out of that short time we’re given.

Two other quick thoughts. My father is going in to the hospital Tuesday for his 3rd catherization and stent-placement in the past month. Hopefully, third time is a charm and his cardiologist will finally provide him with some much-needed relief. Also, I want to congratulate my brother on being nominated and winning the David AG award at Wash U. It is a prestigious award only given out to 10 recipients of the hospital each year. It is a great honor and I couldn’t be more proud.

Best Wishes to all on Halloween. This message is not meant to be scary, just honest.

~Cheers

Reflections

There are all sort of calendars and birthdays. For instance, I celebrate 3 birthdays. On May 19th, I celebrate my actual birth into existence. November 18th is my Masonic birthday. The day of which I was raised to the Master Mason level of Free Masonry. And lastly, October 23rd…my 2nd birthday since receiving stem cells in 2008. As this date is rapidly approaching, I feel it is time to reflect on my past year’s events and progress as well as setbacks.

Thankfully, I no longer wear a surgical mask or gloves when leaving the house. I can freely attend parties, visit the mall, movies, restaurants and even travel on public transportation, subways, buses, boats, and airplanes. My oncologists still advise me to visit and travel these places during lower traffic hours, as my immune system will always be compromised. That is where good ole’ fashioned common sense comes into play.

I was able to participate in Gabriel’s Halloween parade and his 3rd birthday party. I went on field trips with this school. I read his class books and attended Father’s day and other school events. We met Santa Claus together and went on 2 duck tours. I watched him learn how to write his name, order for himself at a restaurant, become potty trained, built Lego towers taller than me, and just enjoy being a kid, playful and free.

I got on a plane for the first time in 2 years and traveled to St. Louis to visit my brother, Beau, and his family. He allowed me to get drunk, no matter how obnoxious I became. He introduced me to his Methodist church and took me to an awesome Mongolian grill and kick-butt Super Bowl party.

Proudly, I was raised to the 3rd degree of Free Masonry by my father. It was an honor for him to do so and now I sit beside him in the East of our lodge as Master and Chaplain. The Free Masons are an unbelievable group. Sad to think, that if I had never gotten sick, I would not have had the time nor inclination to get involved. Some things do happen for a reason and I am thankful for this one.

I have attempted to be here for my parents as they are ill as well. I know they take allot of verbal abuse from me and I need to find a better outlet for my ongoing frustrations. They both do so much to help me on a daily basis from dealing with Gabe, feeding me, and not to mention giving me a place to sleep. Perhaps my newest endeavour into the world of Reiki will calm my nerves, so I may focus my energy on positive thoughts and stop taking life out on the one‘s I love.

Lastly, my health is what it is. Blood work is stable for the first time in 2 years. My overall cholesterol is the best it has been in a decade. I have a left knee that will undoubtedly need to replaced at some point in the near future. My back compensates for the balky knee causing daily pain. However, given these physical setbacks, I am mentally strong and ready to take on the world.

On November 4th, there is a hearing date in front a judge for my divorce. Gabe will always be my son but his mother and I can finally move on with our individual lives. My life…what will I do with the time I am now given?

As I mentioned, I am beginning Reiki 1. I am compiling my journal and blog entries into an eventual book. I continue to create and try new recipes for another eventual cook book (possibly co-written with my mother). I aspire to be a better father, son, brother, co-worker, friend, and person. Nothing in life is set in stone, but if you are waiting for a hand out…you might as well just step out of line.

I wish all my family and friends a happy fall season. This is the best time of the year. Best foods, cool weather, outdoor fire pits, changing of the trees, good times and good friends.

~Cheers

Man in the box

“I'm the man in the box
Buried in my sh*t
Won't you come and save me, save me” - Alice in Chains, Man in the Box

This is how I felt twice a day for 4 days during the conditioning process for the stem cell transplant. Allow me to indulge you.

As mentioned in the past, conditioning for the stem cell transplant takes place during the first 7 days of admission to the hospital. Two days of chemotherapy (citoxan) and 4 days (7 treatments in total) of double day full body radiation.

At 9am, my nurse rolled into my fish bowl of a hospital room with a wheelchair, blanket, my chart and bucket (in case I threw up). We would take the elevator down to radiology. To help relax, I would bring CD’s for my listening pleasure during my 30 minutes of radiation.

The radiology nurse laid me down on a flat table. She would place a plastic see-through box over my face (apparently the mind is a terrible thing to waste or in this case radiate) and then she high-tailed it out to the safe-bunker and flipped the switch. The X-ray light turned on, a buzzing in the room began, and so did my sobs. It felt kind of a tanning bed but with much a different end result.

This process repeated itself at 4pm. And then 9am. And then 4pm. And every time, no matter how well I was prepared or what music I brought, I cried. Tears streamed down my cheeks, while the buzzing continued and that stupid X-ray light flickered in the corner of my eye.

I cried for my son growing up father-less. I cried for my parents who would have to bury their youngest son. I cried for my brother, who was giving me his blood in an attempt to save my life. I cried because I was terrified. I cried like a baby. I cried because I needed hope. But whatever I cried for, no resolution was found in that f*cking box over my head.

Helpless, hopeless, and in disbelief. I was “the” man in the box. Buried in sh*t. And no one came to save me. I was alone. In some aspects, I still am. Don’t take this as a cry for pity or attention, just the way I feel at times. Don’t feel sorry for me. Nobody brought this on. People everyday are fighting the same battle. We don’t want or need your pity, just your support and sometimes our space.

I said this was going to get real. Here comes the pain. My pain. It may be slow coming, but it will come.

~Cheers
Adam

Update and prayers

Just a quick update.

I went to an orthopedic specialist yesterday. He took x-rays and manipulated my knee (which now hurts worse than before) and it seems I have a slightly displaced knee cap and a bone spur. I have an MRI scheduled for next Wednesday to see if there is any further damage. From there, I will follow up with orthopedic and discuss a treatment plan. Could be anything from simple physical therapy to knee surgery.

Presently, the major concern is my ability to heal and control pain. After speaking with my oncologist this morning, if surgery is necessary there will be certain precautions we need to take medically to assure the best possible outcome. My timetable for healing is double that of the average healthy person. The only prescription to help my knee right, besides ice and rest, is anti-inflammatory medication (Ibuprofen i.e. Aleve, Motrin, Advil).

Secondly, Tuesday's blood results are back and things are somewhat encouraging. White cells were good. Red cells were stable (for a change). Platelets were up from 80 to 100 (norm is 180 or above). However, because my platelets are low, I shouldn't take any anti-inflammatory medication because the increased possibility of bruising and excess bleeding is too great.

I'll have more to write once the MRI is performed.

I would like to take this opportunity to send out prayers to Jessica's mom, who recently had a stoke, and Laurie's nephew, David, who is trying to recover from massive brain trauma. Please pray for their well-being and families. They need strength and we can help.

~Cheers
Adam

God's Punishment

I had a very interesting conversation last night with someone I always believed to my soul mate in life. She is happily married and the mother of two. We hadn’t spoken in almost 10 years but the thought of her still warms my heart. I believe that in life we all come across and meet our soul mates. Not many will stay with or end up with that person, but that isn’t my overall point. I am comfortable knowing our paths crossed and she had a lasting impression on my life.

Now to my point which is a little off topic from my normal medical updates. In our discussion, she asked if I felt that getting sick was part of God’s plan for me. As most of you know, I am spiritual but not overly religious. However, this was my response.

Sickness and disease are God’s way of getting back at mankind for taking the gifts he’s provided to us for granted.

We were given a beautiful planet and ruined it. We were given the ability to love but hate so quickly. We are born into life with no prejudices but racism and anti-Semitism towards religions still exists. Homelessness and starvation flood our streets. War is all around us because mankind is never pleased with what they have. Everything needs to be bigger and better than what your neighbor has.

“God” or whomever is in charge of our lives doesn’t appreciate this, so sickness and disease are his (or her) way of punishing us. And unfortunately like cancer, he isn’t overly particular about who it hurts or afflicts. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty but he punishes everyone because we are all guilty for taking life for granted at times.

For some reason, I feel this post my stir more conversation then most things I write, but it was something on my mind and didn’t want to hold back. Please express your thoughts. I look forward to your feedback.

~Cheers
Adam