Ghost Story

October is more than ghouls and goblins. I’m reminded of Ebenezer Scrooge. I realize, he is a Christmas character. However, it is the spirits, the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future, who visit Scrooge on Christmas Eve that interest me. I, too, am visited by ghosts, though mine all occur in October.

October marks several milestones for me. The stem cell transplant is my ghost of October past. On Oct. 17, 2008, I was admitted to Brigham & Women’s Hospital to begin the stem cell transplant procedure.

Day 1 – A double Hickman line was surgically implanted in my left breast, matching the double IV-port in my right. It provided 4 IV lines for antibiotics, fluids, pain medication, and a food line. Days 2 & 3 – Nightly infusions of Cytoxan. Days 4, 5, & 6 – Morning and afternoon sessions of full body radiation. Day 7 – Morning session of full body radiation. This completed the prep process.

On Oct 23, 2008, the same night as the last radiation treatment, I received an infusion of stem cells. In the medical world, we call this Day Zero. The cells were removed from my donor (my brother). The hospital needed to eventually perform a full bone marrow harvest on my brother to collect the cells I needed, but Oct 23rd is the anniversary date of my birthday.

This is a time in my life, which will forever haunt me. It is my ghost of October past, for now and forever.

Oct. 29, 2009 marks a 3-year milestone. It was on this date at Dana Farber Cancer Institute, when my lymphoma was declared to be in complete remission. I can’t call it, the ghost of the present but perhaps the ghost of good fortune.

The truly frightening ghost is the ghost of future to come.

These birthdays and anniversaries are wonderful, but what does my future hold. What am I meant to do? Will there be a relapse? Will I work again? Will I walk without a cane or eventually stroll in a wheelchair. Will Gabe grow up, healthy and strong? Will he know the struggles I endured?

Living day to day not knowing what that future holds is scary. I think in many respects, we all share this fear. Oddly enough, I am not as afraid of dying these days. It seems my bigger fear is living.

Cheers.