“What is joy without sorrow? What is success without failure? What is a win without a loss? What is health without illness? You have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. There is always going to be suffering. It is how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it that will define you.”
― Mark Twain
Yesterday, my post may have taken some of you by surprise. If you’ve learned nothing else from this blog, you should have learned by now, I’m a fighter. So far, my track-record it pretty good. I have accomplished and experienced plenty. I have fought and survived the rare and aggressive.
I flipped my wig yesterday, but with good reason. There is a chance (minor) that surgery could be postponed due to the new bacterial infection. Again, it is a small chance, but for my own sanity this procedure needs to be completed. And like every struggle from childhood to the teenage years, through college, into the real world, marriage, cancer, divorce, remission, and setbacks, I’ll beat the snot out of this next huddle.
I have a ton of living still to do. I need to golf. I need to run a 5K. I need to visit St. Louis with Gabe. I need to sit on top of the Green Monster, fire a crossbow, and witness the changing of the guard.
I use this blog as therapy. If you get inspiration, a few minutes of entertainment, or nothing at all, I will continue writing. I am an emotionally driven individual. I am learning to release these emotions instead of burying them and eventually exploding.
I am going to be fine. I’m a survivor. I’m a fighter. I’m a dad and a damn good one. I have NO regrets. There may be some second thoughts but NO regrets. Every struggle has shaped me into a loveable, sometimes short tempered, over-emotional, but devoted, funny, and caring son, brother, father, and friend. I will continue to be sporadic and continue to try to help and inspire those who fight every day.
Cheers!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Give me strength
“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” – Frederick Douglas
I believe Mr. Douglas had me in mind, when he spoke these words. I prefer not to complain when possible. I hate pity and never want to experience it. Struggles come and go but a time-out once in a while would be nice.
Today, a skin culture came back positive for a bacterial infection only 9 days from a complicated leg surgery. For the next 7 days, I will be taking an antibiotic 4 times daily and the only major side effect is uncontrollable diarrhea. Well sh*t! Where do I sign up?
Not sure what dark moon I was born under or what bet my parents lost with G-d, but life was never easy for me. It took me forever to potty train. My weight has always been an issue and I was constantly reminded with schoolyard teasing and ridicule by my grandfather (RIP). I have been in and out of therapy since my first suicide attempt in high school, my anger management in college, anxiety, depression, cancer and divorce.
Surgery is scheduled next week to fix a leg that is completely f*cked up due to the cancer treatments that saved my life and left me with a fractured back, two blind eyes, a son who reminds that his mother is more fun than me, and pimp limp, I didn’t want.
I put on that happy face and stuck it up. I’ve struggled to survive 34 years with very little progress. It seems whenever I take a step forward, someone is there to pull the rug out from beneath me. I want to G-d to give me a reprieve. I want him to stop testing my strength and will. My shoulders are only so wide and if he didn’t notice my legs are crumbling from the extra weight.
My mind and body may be far from stable but don’t ignore me. I’ll live with the ramifications of my actions, but I refuse to live in regret. Call and invite me for drinks, see if I can handle the road trip, or want to see that new movie. I can only say yes or no.
I repeat. I don’t want your pity. I just want one day at Mr. Willa Wonka’s chocolate factory with Gene Wilder singing Pure Imagination and a break from the cold, hard reality that is my life.
Cheers!
I believe Mr. Douglas had me in mind, when he spoke these words. I prefer not to complain when possible. I hate pity and never want to experience it. Struggles come and go but a time-out once in a while would be nice.
Today, a skin culture came back positive for a bacterial infection only 9 days from a complicated leg surgery. For the next 7 days, I will be taking an antibiotic 4 times daily and the only major side effect is uncontrollable diarrhea. Well sh*t! Where do I sign up?
Not sure what dark moon I was born under or what bet my parents lost with G-d, but life was never easy for me. It took me forever to potty train. My weight has always been an issue and I was constantly reminded with schoolyard teasing and ridicule by my grandfather (RIP). I have been in and out of therapy since my first suicide attempt in high school, my anger management in college, anxiety, depression, cancer and divorce.
Surgery is scheduled next week to fix a leg that is completely f*cked up due to the cancer treatments that saved my life and left me with a fractured back, two blind eyes, a son who reminds that his mother is more fun than me, and pimp limp, I didn’t want.
I put on that happy face and stuck it up. I’ve struggled to survive 34 years with very little progress. It seems whenever I take a step forward, someone is there to pull the rug out from beneath me. I want to G-d to give me a reprieve. I want him to stop testing my strength and will. My shoulders are only so wide and if he didn’t notice my legs are crumbling from the extra weight.
My mind and body may be far from stable but don’t ignore me. I’ll live with the ramifications of my actions, but I refuse to live in regret. Call and invite me for drinks, see if I can handle the road trip, or want to see that new movie. I can only say yes or no.
I repeat. I don’t want your pity. I just want one day at Mr. Willa Wonka’s chocolate factory with Gene Wilder singing Pure Imagination and a break from the cold, hard reality that is my life.
Cheers!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Soaking up the Sun
Almost 1A.M. on July 26th and of course, I am still awake. This post was originally planned for a different topic. However, life continues to get in the way.
This evening, I attended the Wrap-up dinner for the 2012 ACS Relay for Life. More people attended this year’s final meeting than the past two years combined. It was a great turnout. Had the opportunity to meet new people and reflect with old friends on the success of Relay.
I return home from the dinner to a social media posting from a close friend, who just had a skin lesion removed today. She saw a dermatologist yesterday and he seemed to be concerned. Today the lesion was removed and sent for testing. Now, I am going to lay down some skin cancer 101.
There are 3 common forms of skin cancer; Basal cell carcinomas (BCC), Squamous cell carcinomas (SCC), and Melanomas.
Basal cell carcinomas are typically present on sun-exposed areas of your skin. They rarely metastasize or cause death, and are easily treated with surgery or radiation. Next up is Squamous cell carcinomas. SCCs are also common, but much less than BCCs. They metastasize more frequently than BCCS. However, the metastasis rate is quite low, with a few exceptions to the lip, ear, and patients, who are immunosuppressed. Lastly, we have Melanomas, which are the least frequent diagnosed of the 3 common skin cancers. Unfortunately, treatment is aggressive and they metastasize frequently and could eventually cause death once they spread.
Our collective breath is being held in anticipation of the biopsy results. Once the classification returns, treatment could be as simple as using a chemo cream and some localized radiation, or as aggressive as intravenous chemo and oral medications.
I seldom write about anyone other than myself, but she is a good friend and it is good reason to discuss skin cancer prevention. I understand many people love the sun and always want to be under its rays. You just need to take the proper precautions. Don’t use tanning booths. There is really no reason ever to fake and bake. Secondly, when you go to the beach, pool, or are simply in your yard, be sure to apply sunblock. Also, remember to reapply after sweating and swimming for long periods.
Cancer comes in so many forms and there are still so few cures. Don’t play with fire and tempt fate. Smoking is bad for you. Too much sun is bad for you. Please take precaution with your lives. It doesn’t only affect you. It affects everyone around you.
Cheers!
PS:
Stacy, I am sending you positive energy and prayers. The darkness time is now, before diagnosis. Once you know what the challenge is, I am confident you can beat everything. You are one the stronger women, I’ve ever known. You can do anything and I’m always here to help you through.
This evening, I attended the Wrap-up dinner for the 2012 ACS Relay for Life. More people attended this year’s final meeting than the past two years combined. It was a great turnout. Had the opportunity to meet new people and reflect with old friends on the success of Relay.
I return home from the dinner to a social media posting from a close friend, who just had a skin lesion removed today. She saw a dermatologist yesterday and he seemed to be concerned. Today the lesion was removed and sent for testing. Now, I am going to lay down some skin cancer 101.
There are 3 common forms of skin cancer; Basal cell carcinomas (BCC), Squamous cell carcinomas (SCC), and Melanomas.
Basal cell carcinomas are typically present on sun-exposed areas of your skin. They rarely metastasize or cause death, and are easily treated with surgery or radiation. Next up is Squamous cell carcinomas. SCCs are also common, but much less than BCCs. They metastasize more frequently than BCCS. However, the metastasis rate is quite low, with a few exceptions to the lip, ear, and patients, who are immunosuppressed. Lastly, we have Melanomas, which are the least frequent diagnosed of the 3 common skin cancers. Unfortunately, treatment is aggressive and they metastasize frequently and could eventually cause death once they spread.
Our collective breath is being held in anticipation of the biopsy results. Once the classification returns, treatment could be as simple as using a chemo cream and some localized radiation, or as aggressive as intravenous chemo and oral medications.
I seldom write about anyone other than myself, but she is a good friend and it is good reason to discuss skin cancer prevention. I understand many people love the sun and always want to be under its rays. You just need to take the proper precautions. Don’t use tanning booths. There is really no reason ever to fake and bake. Secondly, when you go to the beach, pool, or are simply in your yard, be sure to apply sunblock. Also, remember to reapply after sweating and swimming for long periods.
Cancer comes in so many forms and there are still so few cures. Don’t play with fire and tempt fate. Smoking is bad for you. Too much sun is bad for you. Please take precaution with your lives. It doesn’t only affect you. It affects everyone around you.
Cheers!
PS:
Stacy, I am sending you positive energy and prayers. The darkness time is now, before diagnosis. Once you know what the challenge is, I am confident you can beat everything. You are one the stronger women, I’ve ever known. You can do anything and I’m always here to help you through.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Gaining Focus
“Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans”. --John Lennon
Most patients, who are fighting Mantle Cell Lymphoma, don’t survive 4 years past diagnosis with or without treatment. I was diagnosed in April of 2008 and am still alive and sitting. So much for statistics! However, I am in no shape to resume a full-time job or start a new rugby career, but there are few things I may like to accomplish.
Everyone has heard fables of the hypothetical ‘bucket list’. Hence, the list of things you’d like to do before you die (kick the bucket).
I never gave a bucket list much thought. I was always too concerned with surviving than living. It didn’t hit home until 7 months ago, that I never moved past the treatments even though they had ended. My life was cancer, instead of cancer just being a part of my life. I returned to therapy and am now setting goals and making a list. This provides me with structure and something to focus my energy and time towards.
After I recover from knee/leg surgery, game is on! Technically, the list has already started. I participated in a food challenge. I didn’t complete it, but I competed. Now I just need to win one. Captained 3 Relay for Life teams, increasing our goals every year. I traveled to St. Louis for a beer festival. I played in a rock n’ roll band, which performed at the Waterfront in Boston, and recorded a demo. Not a bad start.
I want to run or walk a 5K. I want to travel to England, California, and Alaska. I want to eat a Bacon Waffle at the Magnolia Pancake Haus in San Antonio. Make a hole in one (on a real course, not mini-golf). Take Gabe to the beach. Try goat. Some will be easier than others, but I have nothing to lose and only great experiences to gain.
As Ferris Bueller would say, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Be spontaneous. Enjoy life. Enjoy your family and friends. Try new things. Laugh often and loud. And always be proud of who you are.
Cheers!
Most patients, who are fighting Mantle Cell Lymphoma, don’t survive 4 years past diagnosis with or without treatment. I was diagnosed in April of 2008 and am still alive and sitting. So much for statistics! However, I am in no shape to resume a full-time job or start a new rugby career, but there are few things I may like to accomplish.
Everyone has heard fables of the hypothetical ‘bucket list’. Hence, the list of things you’d like to do before you die (kick the bucket).
I never gave a bucket list much thought. I was always too concerned with surviving than living. It didn’t hit home until 7 months ago, that I never moved past the treatments even though they had ended. My life was cancer, instead of cancer just being a part of my life. I returned to therapy and am now setting goals and making a list. This provides me with structure and something to focus my energy and time towards.
After I recover from knee/leg surgery, game is on! Technically, the list has already started. I participated in a food challenge. I didn’t complete it, but I competed. Now I just need to win one. Captained 3 Relay for Life teams, increasing our goals every year. I traveled to St. Louis for a beer festival. I played in a rock n’ roll band, which performed at the Waterfront in Boston, and recorded a demo. Not a bad start.
I want to run or walk a 5K. I want to travel to England, California, and Alaska. I want to eat a Bacon Waffle at the Magnolia Pancake Haus in San Antonio. Make a hole in one (on a real course, not mini-golf). Take Gabe to the beach. Try goat. Some will be easier than others, but I have nothing to lose and only great experiences to gain.
As Ferris Bueller would say, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Be spontaneous. Enjoy life. Enjoy your family and friends. Try new things. Laugh often and loud. And always be proud of who you are.
Cheers!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Reality Check
Morning: Wake up and take 1 pill. Wait 30 minutes. Take 2 pills. Wait 30 minutes. Take 1 pill. Wait 30 minutes. Start breakfast. Halfway through breakfast take disgusting, thick, yellow suspension liquid. Complete breakfast. Take the remaining 7 pills. Now, I can start my day.
Noon: Take 2 pills. Wait 30-45 minutes. Have lunch. Take 4 more pills. Go back to my day.
Dinner: Start eating. Halfway through eating enjoy another spoonful of the yellow liquid. Finish eating and relax until the sun sets.
Evening: 2 hours after my evening snack, take 2 more pills. Wait 30-45 minutes. Take 5 more pills.
Bedtime: Before I lay down to sleep, I take 1 sleeping pill. This will complete my daily medication cycle.
Of course, there are those days when I need to take nausea, bowel, anxiety, or pain medication. I can rack up another 4-6 pills easily. In the chance, I come down with thrush, a fungal mouth disease, there is a swish and swallow suspension I can use as well.
Then, toss in (and don’t laugh), showering, using the bathroom (on a more than normal basis), picking up, dropping off, and taking care of my son, going to appointments, errands, Masonry, and occasionally doing something for myself, it makes for a busy schedule.
When the public sees a young man walking with a cane, they assume he wants to set a trend or look cool. They don’t see the heavy duty brace on my knee. They don’t see the cancer scars on my calf and ankle. They don’t see the fractured back. They don’t see the hidden scars, the hidden pain, the hidden child scared to death he won’t see the light of the morning star.
Don’t pity me. Don’t say you’re sorry. I don’t want special treatment. I just want to be normal. Whatever that may be.
Cheers!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
The Wheelchair isn't just for Show.
Whether you are comfortable with the term handicap, handicapped, impaired, or disabled, they are words of similar meaning. Given the most recent setbacks concerning my legs and knees, I obtained a handicapped placard. It should allow me to park closer to buildings, making walking less labor intensive.
Although, I possessed the placard for less than a month, I have noticed the common public’s blatant disregard towards the disabled for decades. My father has dealt with this behavior for nearly 30 years after his right knee was fused in 1982.
Here are two examples from just last week. I went to the grocery market and attempted to park in the last available handicapped spot. When I went to pull in, the young carriage boy had collected all the grocery carts into the spot making it impossible to park. I was far too dismayed, when the young man finally noticed me waiting in my car, so I drove away.
Secondly, Gabe goes to a day care center inside a small strip mall that also includes a Dunkin’ Donuts, pizza shop, convenient store, and karate studio. There are limited handicapped spots in the lot. I pull in to drop Gabe off Friday morning and a stone mason’s truck is parked on the outside yellow striped lines next to the handicapped spots. How in the blue hell does this help a disabled individual if they have a van or truck with a wheel chair or walker? I’m sorry that you need your caffeine fix so badly, you care so little for the disabled veterans, the elderly, or medical patients who actually need those spaces for a reason. Maybe you could do us all a favor and drive off a cliff.
Last night at the mall was my most recent incident to report. I circled the parking lot 6 times to find a spot; handicapped or otherwise. My placard was up on the window and I eyed a space close enough to comfortably walk from, but a large SUV looking directly at me (with hanging placard) decided to disregard my need for that spot and cut me off. I did finally find a spot. However, the greatest public display of reckless abandonment consisted of the sarcastic jabs I took from the hostess about getting a table close to the door. (That, I did not request.) “Sir is close enough? Is it too much of a walk for you. Do you think you’ll make it? Ha, ha, ha.” Go F’ck yourself!
I don’t use this forum to bitch often but I feel the general public needs to be put on notice that this handicapped person is going to start throwing cane shots at ignorant fools.
On that note, I hope everyone had a happy and safe 4th of July. Love to my supporters and a middle finger to the haters.
~Cheers!
Although, I possessed the placard for less than a month, I have noticed the common public’s blatant disregard towards the disabled for decades. My father has dealt with this behavior for nearly 30 years after his right knee was fused in 1982.
Here are two examples from just last week. I went to the grocery market and attempted to park in the last available handicapped spot. When I went to pull in, the young carriage boy had collected all the grocery carts into the spot making it impossible to park. I was far too dismayed, when the young man finally noticed me waiting in my car, so I drove away.
Secondly, Gabe goes to a day care center inside a small strip mall that also includes a Dunkin’ Donuts, pizza shop, convenient store, and karate studio. There are limited handicapped spots in the lot. I pull in to drop Gabe off Friday morning and a stone mason’s truck is parked on the outside yellow striped lines next to the handicapped spots. How in the blue hell does this help a disabled individual if they have a van or truck with a wheel chair or walker? I’m sorry that you need your caffeine fix so badly, you care so little for the disabled veterans, the elderly, or medical patients who actually need those spaces for a reason. Maybe you could do us all a favor and drive off a cliff.
Last night at the mall was my most recent incident to report. I circled the parking lot 6 times to find a spot; handicapped or otherwise. My placard was up on the window and I eyed a space close enough to comfortably walk from, but a large SUV looking directly at me (with hanging placard) decided to disregard my need for that spot and cut me off. I did finally find a spot. However, the greatest public display of reckless abandonment consisted of the sarcastic jabs I took from the hostess about getting a table close to the door. (That, I did not request.) “Sir is close enough? Is it too much of a walk for you. Do you think you’ll make it? Ha, ha, ha.” Go F’ck yourself!
I don’t use this forum to bitch often but I feel the general public needs to be put on notice that this handicapped person is going to start throwing cane shots at ignorant fools.
On that note, I hope everyone had a happy and safe 4th of July. Love to my supporters and a middle finger to the haters.
~Cheers!
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