Everyone is going to die someday. It might be of old age, a car accident, disease, heart attack, murder, or just falling in the house. Most people have a fear of death because we fear what we don’t know or understand. I’ll be the first to admit that I DO fear the grim reaper. What I don’t fear is failing, if I know I’ve tried my hardest until now.
With biopsy results looming of a possible lymphoma relapse, I realize I AM going to fail. I have fought my hardest for over 2 years. Lost my wife. Lost my house and lost several friends on the way. Spent more time in the hospital then anyone should have to who isn’t getting paid to be there. Shit myself because I can’t control my bowels. Threw up every night at 3:30am for over 4 weeks straight. Couldn’t drive a car for 6 months. Was hospitalized twice inexplicably. Broke my back by simply trying to pick up and hold my son. And at the end of the day, I thought I broke the mold and won. But I’m wrong.
I take pride in knowing I fought hard and hopefully I will find the strength to fight again if I have to. But the truth is, there is NO cure for Mantle Cell Lymphoma. I may have to restart chemo, radiation or have more infusions or another stem cell transplant. Truth is…no one has ever beaten Mantle Cell. It is rare, aggressive, and a killer. There are ways to slow it, but it will come back, and each time it does, the treatments work a little less to contain it.
Most medical professionals would say I’ve done good making it this far. The surgeon who took my first biopsies over 2 years ago now, couldn’t even face me with the diagnosis. He called me on the phone because he actually thought he was giving me a death sentence. My oncologists are calm now, because they know I am scared to death. And I know they gave me the medical world’s biggest, baddest Mike Tyson upper-cut treatments to try and beat this disease, because it is what it is. A killer.
The moral is I fear failing and death. Unfortunately, I will fail (probably sooner than later) and will die. I hate the thought of not seeing my little boy grow up. I hate the thought of not having control over my own destiny anymore. I’ve always been a glass half empty guy, but I also always tried to be the life of the party. I’m not sure how more parties I have in me, but I’ll try to make a few more waves before my ship sails.
Any words of inspiration are welcome. Right now I could use the help.
Thank you.
~Cheers
Adam
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Adam, do not give up. Yes, MCL often results in first-line failure and recurrence--but there are plenty of options reserved just for such times. Velcade, radioimmunotherapy, thalidomide, etc. are usually used only after a relapse. I have read stories of people who beat this thing back into remission for many years. Do not give up!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to find words to inspire you, Adam, because I'm too busy being inspired by you myself. I still remember the feeling that washed over me when you said (or typed) the word "remission"; it was like my team just won the Super Bowl or something. You are nothing less than a bad ass, and don't ever forget that.
ReplyDeleteDude,
ReplyDeleteKeep up the fight! I'm 4 years in (2 in remission). Our secret is to stay alive long enough to take advantage of new treatments. I know people who were diagnosed over 20 years ago. THERE IS HOPE. Keep fighting.
John B
Adam, this is Chris MacDonald's brother Tim - we've met a few times. I came across your blog via Facebook and I just want to tell you to hang in there. You're doing an awesome thing by letting everyone into your life and showing what it's like to live with this terrible illness. You've been to hell and back, and you gotta keep up the fight!
ReplyDelete