The Camel is Broke

An old adage states, “It take two to tango.” This is true. Another states, “That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Both of these adages ring true when speaking of my marriage.

We fell in love quickly, probably too quickly. We rushed everything from getting to know each other, to living together, to buying a house together, to having a baby together, and to getting married.

We had conflict. We had financial woes. We had in-law issues. We had fading romance. We had both been laid off and needed to find new jobs. We had our first baby. Lots of life altering events and a very short time and then comes the straw…I got sick. WE HAVE A CAMEL DOWN. BROKEN BACK!

My understanding is 50% of marriages end in divorce. I am comfortable being a statistic. This was a relationship heading for the rocks and built to fail from the beginning. Hindsight shows me that. But it didn’t have the end the way it did…in the manner in which it did.

She took me to chemotherapy and clinic appointments. She made sure my benefits and social security were applied for and taken care of. She took 10 weeks unpaid from work to stay home and support me while I was a lump of useful human flesh. (Granted the 10 weeks were paid for with the funds from the benefit event that were supposed to last a year - different subject for a different time.) I couldn’t even stand in the shower by myself without almost passing out.

However, after our affairs were squared away and she returned to work, the love I once felt and still thought was there changed. She became rude. She became outwardly mean. I couldn’t take it anymore. I yelled. I questioned. And finally I got my answers.

She wasn’t happy. “Like two ships passing in the night,” she claimed. No romance. Friends at best. Kissing tales of weeks past with a co-worker. Did I really need this? No, but with a resounding YES.

Had I grown less romantic? Yes. Who would feel romantic while receiving chemo and feeling like shit day in and day out? Did we have problems? Yes. Show me a marriage without some conflict and I’ll sell you a bridge. I asked for couples counseling. It was refused. I asked to give me more time to recover and things would change. She was too far past that.

The result = divorce.

I have avoided this subject for too long now, but when someone says, “I bend over backwards all the time for you, always at the last minute.” I get a little pissed off seeing I can’t control cancer and I can’t control a suppressed immune system during flu season. There ARE things I could have done differently but in every relationship there has to be a push and pull and there will always be work to be done. Remember the vows, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, ‘til death do us part. It’s just rhetoric.

I don’t want to be painted the bad guy because I am sick? I don’t necessarily want her to be painted the villain because she left at the worst possible time. Everyone makes mistakes and unfortunately timing sometimes IS everything. I won’t apologize for being sick. She’ll never apologize for doing or not doing what she did.

There is no right or wrong. Everyone has their own opinions. I’m just tired of apologizing for what’s out of my control.

Cheers!

Footnote: Italicised text credited to content written in email by Kristie Callahan written 12/6/09