Eyes wide open

Eyes open. Eyes close. Eyes open. Eyes close. Bladder calls. Eyes close. Roll over. Knee attacks. Hip attacks. Eyes open. Bladder calls. 3:32A.M. Stand, cringe, limp, urinate, wash, limp, cringe, and sit down.

Prior to midnight, I took Oxycodone and Ambien. One relieves pain and the other keeps me asleep at night. Both work to complete their intentions, neither able to do so.

This isn’t new. Same song, different night. Some nights are laden in bad dreams. Some nights my mind just runs wild and is impossible to turn off. Hip pain. Knee pain. Chest pain. Joints lock. Muscle aches. Nightmares of running, trying to catch up. Maybe it is the secretary duties at lodge I’m running after, or social security to overturn their ruling. Maybe I’m chasing the life, I had prior to cancer. Either way, I don’t sleep.

Tonight I ramble. Tonight I research. Tonight I tried to help a brother who is worse off than me.

I have a brother (fraternal), who is confined to a wheel chair, but used to teach the youth of America how to act on stage. He has been crippled with Multiple Sclerosis. He has no use of his legs, left arm, and partial movement in his neck.

I took it upon myself and turned rogue to help a brother. I sent message to the Ivory Tower and hopes to remit my brother’s payment for a life-time. I am certain this payment would benefit him and his family in other ways.

I know what it is like to be disabled and reach for life lines just out of your stretch. It was a selfish and noble act. I performed this act, hoping if one day my health takes another downward spiral my brothers will do the same for me.

I celebrated a 7 month anniversary with my special girl yesterday. She must be special because she makes me special. My son started drum lessons and didn’t wamt it to end. It makes me proud seeing him pick up where I left off. Most importantly, I wouldn’t be here now, if it weren’t for my real-life blood brother. He is the rock, who keeps me whole when I am so close to crumbling.

He assures me I’m not all doom and gloom and the past year has been quite difficult for me physically but it is all part of life. He tells me not to allow others to judge you, because they don’t walk in your footsteps.

My well is dry. So I say Good morning. 5:06am

Cheers!