Give me strength

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” – Frederick Douglas

I believe Mr. Douglas had me in mind, when he spoke these words. I prefer not to complain when possible. I hate pity and never want to experience it. Struggles come and go but a time-out once in a while would be nice.

Today, a skin culture came back positive for a bacterial infection only 9 days from a complicated leg surgery. For the next 7 days, I will be taking an antibiotic 4 times daily and the only major side effect is uncontrollable diarrhea. Well sh*t! Where do I sign up?

Not sure what dark moon I was born under or what bet my parents lost with G-d, but life was never easy for me. It took me forever to potty train. My weight has always been an issue and I was constantly reminded with schoolyard teasing and ridicule by my grandfather (RIP). I have been in and out of therapy since my first suicide attempt in high school, my anger management in college, anxiety, depression, cancer and divorce.

Surgery is scheduled next week to fix a leg that is completely f*cked up due to the cancer treatments that saved my life and left me with a fractured back, two blind eyes, a son who reminds that his mother is more fun than me, and pimp limp, I didn’t want.

I put on that happy face and stuck it up. I’ve struggled to survive 34 years with very little progress. It seems whenever I take a step forward, someone is there to pull the rug out from beneath me. I want to G-d to give me a reprieve. I want him to stop testing my strength and will. My shoulders are only so wide and if he didn’t notice my legs are crumbling from the extra weight.

My mind and body may be far from stable but don’t ignore me. I’ll live with the ramifications of my actions, but I refuse to live in regret. Call and invite me for drinks, see if I can handle the road trip, or want to see that new movie. I can only say yes or no.

I repeat. I don’t want your pity. I just want one day at Mr. Willa Wonka’s chocolate factory with Gene Wilder singing Pure Imagination and a break from the cold, hard reality that is my life.

Cheers!