Conditioning

This time one year ago, I was getting ready for an evening cocktail of Cytoxan. Cytoxan also known as cytophosphane, is a nitrogen mustard alkylating agent, from the oxazophorines group. It is a chemotherapy used to fight lymphomas and some leukemia by infusion. In my case, it was the beginning of a 6-day “conditioning” process to destroy my immune system prior to receiving an infusion of stem cells.

This is how it works. Two nights of Cytoxan, followed by 4 days with 7 doses of full body radiation. After experiencing 5 months of chemotherapy prior to the stem cell transplant, I was aware of most of the chemotherapy side affects. However after only a few minor sessions of localized radiation on my right leg, I had no idea the toll full body radiation would take on me.

Diarrhea, vomiting, dry skin, itchiness, mouth sores, throat sores, fevers, body aches, muscle aches, lack of energy, lack of appetite, lack of taste, dry mouth, depression….you name it, I pretty much got it. In one word, “Hell”. If there weren’t pictures of my son hanging in the room to keep me motivated, death would have been a welcomed option.

Now, I’m not sure how real I want to make this, but there wasn’t a day that passed in the hospital where I didn’t cry. I spent 30 minutes sobbing, every morning and every afternoon that I was brought down to the radiation lab for treatment. Laying on a slab, with a plastic box over my head crying. It feels like a tanning bed but it isn’t like preparing for vacation. I was a mess.

Let me apologize if my comments and messages seem a little unorganized and scattered. I have so much to get out and am not sure the best way. Just stick with me and we’ll get through this together.

I’m spent for now. In the next few blogs, I’ll get into my 5 months of chemo, actual diagnosis and presentation, and the donor of my stem cells.