Hip Pre-Op

Today was pre-surgical day. Blood work. Nurse check-up with prescription review. Met with a care coordinator about post-operative in-home and out-patient physical therapy. X-rays. Urine sample. Finally, a meeting with the surgeon, who told me I have a “jelly belly.” If he wasn’t such a damn good surgeon, I’d punt him in the nuts.

Do you remember trying to push a square peg into a round hole as a kid? It doesn’t work.

Well…after viewing X-rays of my right hip today, I found it doesn’t work with bones and joints either. The femoral head of my right leg is the square peg. The hip socket is the round hole. Doc said it probably hinges a lot. This explains the increased soreness and pain I’ve been experiencing. Everything else is right as rain and we are set for surgery.

We also discussed potential corrective right knee surgery following the hip replacement. I am slowly getting closer to the end but still not there yet.

14 days until my upgrade.

Cheers!

Let's review

I am only 19 days away from my second total joint replacement in less than 8 months. As this long awaited event nears I can’t help but think back on the last 6 years of my life. I am obviously still alive but it reads like a bad luck novel.

Diagnosed with rare Mantle Cell Lymphoma.

Four months of r-Chop chemotherapy treatment.

One seizure followed by 3 nights of in-patient observation.

Two weeks of localized radiation.

One allogeneic stem cell transplant consisting of chemotherapy, full-body radiation, stem cell infusion, mucositis, neutropenia, vomiting, diarrhea, bed soiling, wetting, and 5 weeks in-patient.

Pulmonary graft versus host disease.

One rectal fistula requiring corrective conscious surgery.

Prolonged steroid cycles.

Compression fracture of my lower back.

Cataracts in both eyes requiring surgery.

Avascular necrosis in both legs and hips, requiring left knee and right hip replacement.

One divorce.

Oh and I may be losing my disability benefits.

I try desperately to think of the glass half-full but it always looks half-empty to me. Six years ago, a nurse told me if I survive treatment, I’ll have earned the right to do and say whatever I want to anyone. I think it is a brilliant theory but also a cop out to be a complete jackass. I still believe you treat people as you’d like to be treated. Don’t go out of your way to be rude. Don’t boss people around. Don’t intentionally embarrass someone. Timing does matter. Try not to hold a grudge (my own personal plight). Extend a hand to pick someone up instead of kicking them when they’re down.

Unless I win my appeal with Social Security, there probably won’t be another post until I’m out of surgery.

Thank you to my supporters. I know who you are.

Cheers!

Hope

Beyond the dreary black clouds, there is sun on the horizon. How you say? I anxiously went to my primary care physician’s office (PCP) today for the purpose of continuing my appeal with social security for disability benefits. Forms were sent to the PCP by social security to be completed on my behalf for the appeal.

Family, friends, a disability lawyer, and other medical professionals have assured me I should win my appeal without moving to a hearing. Today, I believe that. My PCP hit all the nails on the head about how the physical pain not only hinders my mobility but also my energy and concentration. All of this is true.

I even started a countdown to hip replacement. Today we stand at 72 days. I keep my fingers crossed for a cancellation, so I may be cut open sooner. I am nowhere near masochistic but the thought of replacing this current pain with a new one is exhilarating.

My drawer of spoons is official empty.

I want to wish my brother a Happy and Healthy Birthday and everyone a Happy Rex Manning Day.

Cheers!

An Evening Rant

The past week has been painful and uncomfortable. Not since my knee replacement have I needed to take so much pain medication. Aleve. Oxycodone. Even Morphine. Nothing gives me enough relief for a decent night’s sleep or close to a pain-free day.

Right hip replacement surgery is scheduled for late June. Once that is done, what next? Right knee replacement? Left hip replacement?

It is hard “making the best of things”, when there is constant pain. When does my physical pain end? I don’t want to rely on Social Security to survive. I don’t want to live with my parents because I can’t take care of myself. I don’t want to feel like my days are passing with no meaning.

I want attention. I think everyone does. Shit. I even took on a position in lodge to help and in some demented way feel needed. Unfortunately, my position is underappreciated and its importance overlooked.

What really upsets me is the appeal process with Social Security for disability benefits. I am completing all the same paperwork as in January and they denied me then. Why should this time be different? I’m royally screwed if I lose this appeal. I can’t physically or mentally hold down a full time job right now. It would be impossible.

Too many people recently mention how life is unfair. When my lymphoma went into remission, I thought my unfair days were behind me. I was wrong. Seems the cure has left me worse off than the disease. All I have now are more bills, more pain, and fewer friends.

Venting is healthy. Thank you to those who stand by my side.

Cheers.

Here’s a smidge of good news for the weary. After 4 phone calls and 2 weeks of waiting, my total right hip replacement surgery is scheduled for June 20th. The date is later than I would have liked but they promised me a spot on their cancelation list if a sooner date should arise.

Otherwise, life is peachy or at least I’ll have you believe it as such.

Cheers.

Time to be a bother

In one of last week’s posts, I mentioned speaking with the orthopedic surgeon’s office to schedule a total right hip replacement. The first call was made Friday, Feb 28th. The young lady assured me I’d be called back with a schedule that afternoon or the following Monday. I received no call Friday afternoon or Monday.

Fast forward to last Friday March 7th, I call and leave another message about scheduling the hip surgery. Their voice mail states all calls will be returned within 24 hours. Which brings us to today, Tuesday March 11, 2014, and I am still without any surgical information.

I now have a new plan. This plan involves me calling their office every morning at 9:30am for the foreseeable future until I get what I want. Since Saturday I’ve been switch-hitting between a cane and crutches. Ambulating has become tedious and I need to know there is a finish line up the road.

Here’s a bit of good news. Yesterday, I found enough energy to shower. That had been 3 days in the making due to pain and fatigue. And last night I doubled my usual sleep intake from 2 to 4 hours. It was either the Morphine or exhaustion. Either way, I’ll take it.

My weekend was decent. I helped Gabe practice for his second drum lesson. We spent most of our time watching live drum sessions on YouTube. He seems really engaged with the thought of playing the drums. It is fun watching him get excited over what was such a large portion of my life.

I’d like to wish my mom a Happy Birthday. I’ve been homebound since Saturday and am without card, but hope she reads this. I know I can be a pain in the ass mom, but I love you. I don’t take for granted everything you do for me or anyone else. You always find the strength even when it is near impossible to grasp. Happy Birthday!

My plans for the week are as follows: Harass the orthopedic office until surgery is scheduled. Drive to Dana Farber for prescription refills. Go to lodge rehearsal Wednesday night. Visit Gabe’s school Thursday for a presentation on Black History Month. Take mom and dad out Friday night for their combined birthday dinners. Of course, run other random errands and hopefully I see Raine.

That is all for now.
Cheers.

I must admit the past 6-7 days have taken quite the toll on me. Emotionally, physically, and mentally I'm at breaking points. Some more than others. Physically, I know I'm broken. X-rays show the proof of broken and corroding bones in both my right hip and knee. Emotionally, I'm sad, angry, depressed, which is mentally driving me mad. I'm confused about relationships with my friends. I'm upset with my inability to leave well enough alone and I'm disappointed in always be judged for my attitude and condition. The stress affects me physically by increasing my pain levels, causing additional muscle aches, and unfortunate stomach issues resulting in daily bowel problems. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of the pills. I'm tired of never feeling like I belong.

Yesterday, my son asked me why I sounded so sad. All I said was, "hello". Today, he barely spoke and I actually hung up the phone on him. I begin to question my own veracity.

Always alone in a crowded room, lost in the voices of a clouded mind.

Good night.